He Could Taste Heaven Perfectly
by Renewal
Summary: Set between seasons two and three. Pain pushes Christian to the point of despiration. ChristianSean slash in chapters to come.
1. Counting Sheep and Running Out

**Disclaimer:** I do not own, nor do I claim to own, Nip/Tuck or any of its characters. They are property of their respective owners in accordance with United States copyright law. I am not making any profit from this story, nor do I intend to. This merely a fan's tribute to the series and interpretation as to what may have happened to Christian between seasons two and three.

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Christian whimpered and rolled over onto his stomach. He was exhausted; all he wanted was to drift silently into a deep sleep. Yet at the same time, that was exactly what he feared the most. Every time his eyes managed to close for more than a few seconds, his thoughts were invaded by an alarmingly realistic image of the Carver. It had been like this for nearly a month. Some nights were better than others and he managed to get at least four or five hours of Carver-free sleep without being jolted awake by a synthesized voice chanting "beauty is a curse on the world" echoing through his head. But tonight was by far the worst night thus far. All he could think about was how scared he had been when he opened his eyes and found the Carver standing over him, ceramic mask glowing eerily and knife held high. He hadn't even had time to react before being paralyzed – both by fear and by the drug in the Carver's needle. It had all happened so fast: the shock, the drugging, the carving…. Christian sat up and shook his head. He wasn't going to think about it. 

Reaching up to touch his bandaged neck, Christian glanced at the clock: 2:18 a.m. His entire body ached with a fatigue far worse than any he'd ever felt before in his life. He wished he could sleep with a guarantee of zero dreams for just one night. But the only way to do that would be by popping a few sleeping pills. There was no way he could rest by using a method so similar to the one that the Carver had used to paralyze him.

When were his actions and feelings going to be based on something other than the attack? Right now every minute detail of every single day was overshadowed by that ceramic mask and synthesized voice. He couldn't even shit without thinking about the fact that the Carver's dick had been in his asshole. Christ, the bastard hadn't even been gentle. Christian's asshole hurt more than the six-inch gash on his neck. Coming to terms with having been raped was the hardest part of the whole ordeal for Christian. Thinking about it made him feel just as scared and weak as he had when his foster father molested him years ago. Christian thrived on dominance and control, in part because of his childhood, in part because it was simply who he was. Being in a position where he was at the mercy of another damaged person him on some level – especially when the person in question hurt him. He hadn't told anyone, not even the police, about the other part of the Carver's attack. The first thing he had done after the drugs wore off was to crawl into the shower and wash all of the evidence of the rape. Somehow, keeping it to himself made it seem like more of a bad dream than a reality.

He had done everything in his power to avoid thinking about that part of his attack. He hadn't even fucked Kimber, or anyone else for that matter, since the attack. He was beyond petrified that having sex would reveal his secret. He doubted he'd even be able to get an erection. For the first time in his life, the thought of sex wasn't appealing; instead, it was terrifying. All he really wanted right now was to be held and comforted to the point where he was able to sleep. Kimber had comforted him in the days following the attack, but now all she seemed to do was nag him about moving on with his life. How was he supposed to move on when he was so broken that he couldn't even sleep or shit without being haunted by the attack? It had taken all his strength to eat, shower, and make it through the seemingly endless nights this past month. How did she expect to him to go home – back to where he was violated in so many ways? He didn't think he'd ever be able to sleep in his bed again. He'd been hurt so badly there. The slash wound on his neck was still bandaged, his asshole felt like it was on fire almost constantly, and he was so mentally damaged that he couldn't sleep. He wanted someone to save him, but how could anyone save him if no one even knew the extent of his pain? He didn't want to lay here in the dark thinking about these things. The dark had always scared Christian when he was little, but whenever he cried out about it, his foster father would touch him. Fuck, his thoughts were running the whole fucking spectrum tonight: from childhood pain to recent pain it was all here!

All these thoughts were simply too much to stomach. Christian slipped out of bed and walked across the bedroom to the window. The scenery surrounding this beach house never failed to take his breath away, especially the woods and river that were visible from his back window. After the attack, he simply couldn't face the thought of going back to his own place. Sean and Julia had both offered him solace but he felt so emotionally isolated that this just seemed better somehow. Not so far off in the distance, the glistening river lay perfectly still under the bridge that led to the beach house, looking so beautiful and serene that Christian just couldn't seem to look away. He wanted to be at peace, just like the river. Suddenly, reckless desire overcame Christian. Why not go out to the river? It wasn't like being in the house kept him any safer from the Carver and he wasn't going to get any sleep that night anyway. A nice, long walk would soothe his mind and maybe help him find enough mental clarity to sleep for a few hours when he got back.

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This is my first fanfic, so please R&R so that I know what I need to improve upon! Thank you! D  



	2. Nightswimming

After pulling on his running shoes and grabbing a jacket to cover his bare chest, Christian stepped outside. It was somewhat chilly, but overall quite nice. He inhaled deeply. Christ, there was something so refreshing about feeling the tightness in his chest as it filled with air. Christian exhaled and started walking down the dirt path in the direction of the river. The cool night air amazing, Christian couldn't remember the last time he'd gone for a walk at night. He paused at that about it. Actually, he could only remember walking about in the woods at night once, when he was around eleven. Shaking his head fiercely Christian zipped his jacket higher. Stupid childhood thoughts weren't going to ruin his walk. Had it gotten colder since he had left the house? Maybe he should have bothered himself with putting a shirt on underneath his jacket. The last thing he needed was a cold.

Shivering and pulling his jacket up higher, Christian looked around. The woods looked eerily beautiful in the moonlight. He wished that he could stop time and just drift in the serenity of the moment. He smiled; he missed moments like that. "Pre-Carver moments" he thought of them as. Brief moments in time where everything was okay. But everything _wasn't_ okay. It would never be okay again.

"Ow! What the hell?" Christian was startled from his thoughts by a sharp pain in his big toe. He looked down, the path gave way into a bridge and he had hit the edge of it. His thoughts had proven so engrossing that he had become totally unaware of where he was walking. Oops. Christian stepped onto the bridge. Great, the ramp for pedestrian traffic was covered in mud. Christian sighed softly, it'd been fine if he used the main roadway, it was nearly 3:00 in the morning. No one would be driving down such a small road. Christian stuffed his hands into his pockets and continued walking. His mind was completed void of thoughts, the only thing he was aware of was the soft thud his sneakers made with every step he took toward the center of the bridge.

After reaching the Center of the bridge, Christian walked up to the railing and stared at the water below. There was something mesmerizing about the way that it gently rippled and reflected the moonlight that shone down upon it. Between the darkness and deceptive nature of liquids, there was not telling how deep the water was. Christian knelt down and picked up a rock and tossed it into the water. It seemed fairly deep, maybe even deep enough to swim in. Suddenly Christian was hit was feeling of recklessness. Hadn't he always wanted to swim in a river at night? Wasn't now as good a time as any? After deliberating for a second Christian decided that it'd be fine. His life had been so miserable lately that he'd practically earned the right to do something reckless and fun.

Without giving it another thought, Christian unzipped his jacket, pulled it off, and folded it and sat it on the ground. It really was cold out he thought to himself as he rubbed his upper arms in a vain attempted to warm up before he stripped off his pajama pants. After looking around for a few seconds, Christian decided to go all out. Why swim when he could skinny dip? Christian pulled off his blue silk boxers, tossed them on the pile of his clothes and hoisted himself up onto the railing of the bridge. At that very moment, he saw headlights off in the distance and heard the honking of a car horn accompanied by a very familiar voice shouting "Christian? Is that you?"

"FUCK," snarled Christian quietly. It was Sean. Why the hell was he here at 3:00 in the morning? As Christian stepped down off the railing, Sean's car rolled to a stop in front of him. Christian covered his privates and started to speak when Sean jumped out of his car and hugged him.

"What the hell were you thinking? I know things are bad but you don't have to…have to…kill yourself. I'm here, Julia's here, Kimber's here. We all love you Christian.," Sean said as his eyes filled with tears.

"But , I wasn't going to –"

Pressing a finger against Christian lips, Sean shook his head.. "You don't have to try to lie or justify your actions, just know that we're here and we love you." Sean paused for a second and looked Christian dead in the eyes, causing Christian to shudder. Sean was going to say something very serious next; Christian just felt it.

"Christian…remember when I told you that I loved you the most in the storage room after I found out about Matt?" Christian nodded his head, he remembered. Sean continued, "I still love you the most. Ever since The Carver hurt you, I've know that you needed to know even if you walked away from me and never come back. Christian, I'm in love with you and I have been for twenty years."

Sean loved him? In that way? Christian really hadn't a clue what to say. Never in his life had Christian ever imagined that Sean's feelings for him were anything other than platonic. Christian stared into his best friend's eyes. He loved Sean, he really did; he was the only person who Christian had ever been able to count on, the only one who never turned his back and walked away for good. Did it matter if Sean was a guy? Sean loved him and Christian loved him back. Without saying a word, Christian leaned forward and kissed Sean gently on the lips.

"I…I…love you too. I never realized _how_ I loved you until you said that, but I do love you." Christian leaned forward again and kissed Sean deeply. As his tounge navigated its way around Sean's mouth, over his pearl-like teeth, inside his soft, warm cheeks, and danced with Sean's tounge, Christian felt something explode inside of him. This was how it was supposed to be. This was what he needed to bring himself back from where the Carver had taken him. As Christian stood there, wrapped in Sean's embrace and passionately kissing him, he felt something he hadn't felt in a long time: a sense of belonging.

Here in his best friend's arms, he was home.


	3. Was it a Dream?

"Christian, you're so cold. Well _most_ of you at least," Sean said while lovingly running his hand over Christian's perfectly-shaped ass, "We need to get you warmed up. Let's get my car. With that, Sean let go of Christian momentarily, stooped down, picked up Christian's pile of clothes and threw them over his shoulder. He gently grabbed Christian's left hand with his right and lifted it to his mouth and gently kissed it. "Are you ready to go my prince?"

Feeling his cheeks (both sets) redden with a combination of embarrassment and sheer joy Christian turned his eyes toward those of his long-time friend and newfound lover. "I am, baby. I am. But where are Matt and Annie? Shouldn't you go –"

Sean cut him off, "They're with Jules tonight, Christian. You're the only person on my mind right now. I shouldn't have let you push me away after the attack. I shouldn't have let Kimber convince me that coddling you would only make you feel sorrier for yourself. I should have seen through your "everything's fine" bullshit and _been there_ for you. I've been standing right by your side watching you die inside from afar for the past month. Christian – I'm sorrier than you'll ever know about that. I was just scared that maybe I had read you wrong. Maybe that night with hooker was just that a night with a hooker, but I swore I felt _you_ touch me & and I guess I was right."

Christian couldn't think of any response to his friend's comment that wouldn't seem forced or phony. Was he mad at Sean for not realizing how badly he had been hurting? Sort of, but how could he stay mad at the one person in the world who cared enough about him to call him every night and ask him how he was doing? How could he deliver a fatal emotional blow to the one person who what his foster father had done to him? He couldn't. Besides, things were changing in a big way between he and Sean. Instead of giving voice to the silent chorus that sang on within his head, Christian merely responded with "I did touch you that night. I couldn't help myself…I just wanted to know you on another level. I wanted to be part of you."

"Oh, Prince." said Sean in a voice that Christian had only heard him direct toward Julia before. "Twenty years of friendship and you and I are just getting to know each other. Let's get in the car before you freeze to death."

With that Sean and Christian climbed into Sean's car. Christian grabbed a blanket off the floor of the backseat and wrapped it around his goose-bump-covered naked body and closed his eyes. When he walked out of the house a few short hours ago he certainly hadn't expected to be coming back with his best friend who was now also his…boyfriend? Lover perhaps? Christian felt a warm cloud of what was unmistakably sleep settling over him. He snuggled deeper into the passenger's seat and let it overcome him. He know without a doubt that the only face and voice in his dreams tonight would be Sean's.

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**AN:** Yeah, it was an extremely short chapter, but I just wanted to write something. Chapter Four will be longer. I promise. D  



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